Where the Fan meets the Shit part 1: Becky

By all accounts prior to a certain point I lived a reasonable happy life up until a certain point.

Yes...it was never easy. Yes it was always a struggle. But where did it all start to hit the fan?

A number of years ago I started to realize things were changing.

I knew it would be coming. I have never been particularly good at dealing with change but I knew with my dog at 15 she would not be around for much longer. I also knew with my Grandmother the woman who stepped in and helped raise myself and my sister when my Father walked out was getting older.

So its not like I was unaware that change would be coming.

But I never realized how much was coming.

It started just before Christmas one year. My dog was 15 she had just started having some age related issues. And within the next year issues became worse.

When she hit that wall where she was clearly near the end of her time, I prayed for her to get better.

In retrospect probably not the most realistic prayers. She was 16 dogs so not live forever, but when someone is sick you pray for them to get better. Its almost reactionary.

As things progressed...I began to realize her getting better was not the best use of a pray.

So seeing she was suffering I prayed for her to pass quickly, quietly, and hopefully while she slept.

I did this for a few reasons.
1) I didn't want her to suffer.
2) I didn't want to see her suffer.
3) I wanted her to pass with some dignity.
4) I didn't want to have to make that decision myself.

After about a week of suffering and the doctor urging me to put her down...I decided we would.


I took her for one last time of all the stuff she loved. We went and sat in the back yard. Said goodbye and I took her to the vets.

The process itself is relatively easy. She lay on the table was given the solution via IV...and I watched the light fade from her eyes. One of the hardest things I have ever done.

Even now I am on the verge of tears typing it.

As the light faded from her eyes...I hope she was relieved...but part of me wondered if she questioned why I did this to her.

Introduction to Failure

By most standards...I am, and continue too fail in my life.

By some measure I succeed, but its more fail than anything.

This blog will hopefully help me work thru some issues, and chronicle the ups...and likely downs in my life.